It's been exactly one month and one day since I last updated my blog. I really had intended to keep updating at least once a week. But so far this semester, I can rarely find time to catch a breath. Or brush my teeth. Or shower. Or get more than 5 consecutive hours of sleep. Don't get me wrong, there have been so many awesome things happening in my life and everything is going well, I just feel like I am getting overwhelmed by being too spread out.
I have been a part of the start of a Conversations Group on my campus. I have been writing the curriculum for a group of International students and American students to get together and talk about culture, life experiences, and get to know one another. We meet each week for about an hour and I plan the topic and activities for it. We also have been going on "outings" to events such as a baseball game, out to restaurants, and to a corn maze. Also people can sign up to be matched with a Campus Friend, someone from a different culture to practice English with, talk about life and get to know each other better. I have been able to witness so many awesome friendships through this program. I have been collaborating with a few people and I really feel like this program has so much potential for good. I feel like it is already so good for the people who have been involved. I ask that you would lift up this group, that the people in it would have a strengthened sense of commitment to each other and that this program can be used as a way to "bridge the gap" between American students and International students here at Drake. This is something that I am so excited for and really passionate about. However because I feel so strongly about it, it's easy for me to invest a lot of my time in it.
InterVarsity-my community, my friends, my second family. I love the people in InterVarsity here on Drake's campus.
I often say to one of my mentors that I just wish I could drop out of school so that I didn't have to focus so much of my time and energy on school work. I would spend my time getting to know people and investing in them, I would have more time to focus on my small group Bible study, I would have more time to focus on the people who I meet to read the Bible with, I would have more time invest in the Conversations Group (I could get to know each person involved at a deeper level), I could help plan more things. more more more. She kindly reminds me that the reason why I am in college is to get my degree. It is a blessing to me to be able to be involved in InterVarsity and okay to be invested in that community, but that I wouldn't have that opportunity if I wasn't in school.
Classes..... hard. time consuming. starting to get close to mid terms. My capstone...... ughhh. Let's just say, school is rough. As always. If it wasn't, then it wouldn't be worth doing.
This week I had a break through. And as I heard at InterVarsity Fall Conference last week "break throughs often require break withs". It was Wednesday night at about 12:30 am. I had been meaning to work on the bibliography for my capstone paper for the past... two weeks or so. It was due on Thursday at 12:15 pm. In those twelve hours between Wednesday midnight and Thursday noon, I had to wake up at 5:45 to work until 9 am, meet with a friend at 9:30 am, and then have class from 11:00-12:15. I emailed my professor some emotional confession, letting her know that I had not gotten it done on time and would not have much (actually anything) to show her at our meeting.
She emailed me back and said something that challenged me to take a step back and really examine where I am spending my time. Amanda, you NEED your capstone to graduate, you don't NEED your part time job or your extracurriculars to graduate. It's not that I spend my time sitting around watching tv or wasting it away. Quite the opposite actually. I schedule every single minute, of every single day. Sometimes I forget to schedule in lunch, or a shower. I am over committed to everything and everyone that I care about. Everyone except for myself. (insert some profound wisdom about prioritizing my time, taking care of myself) As I was talking to my professor (who is also my advisor) in her office on Thursday, I began to break down and cry. I said that I sometimes hoped that I would just pass out from exhaustion, so that I had an excuse. An excuse to stop and take a breath.
I know this is getting super long to read. And I definitely need to get back to home work. But I just wanted to share with you a song. And the words of grace that were spoken to me this week. Our worth isn't based on what we do. It isn't based on if we can make it to every meeting, and eat healthy every day, and work out five times a week and never disappoint anyone. Our worth isn't based on our performance or anything we do or could possibly hope to do. I believe that my worth is based on Jesus Christ's sacrifice of perfect life. He died so that I could live. So that I can have an abundant life. So that I can live a life of freedom. His suffering and sacrifice has redeemed me, has made me new. I'm a loved daughter, loved in a way that isn't based on anything I do. Isn't based on anything I do right or anything I do wrong.
I feel like sometimes as Christians we learn something, and then we learn it again. And again. Or maybe I am just young, but I feel like I have been trying to some how understand this or believe it throughout the past few years.
So here's my break through-I'm worth taking care of. I need to take care of myself and it's okay for me to take care of myself. It's okay for me to say no. And it's okay for me to invest deeply in the people and places that I care about.
But the difficult part is my break with-As I schedule every second of every day, I need schedule things for me. I need to not get lost in the sin of busyness and lose heart of why I do what I do. I am taking time off from my part time job so that I can use that time to get a few extra hours of consecutive sleep and spend more time working on my capstone. I need to break with my idea that I can't say no, that I can't be flaky, that I can't let someone down, that I have to get amazing grades. Because I am human. I will at some point fail. And I need to know that my worth isn't based on fulfilling those requirements.
So that's where I'm at. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know who I want to be with. I know who I want to follow.
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
where you invest your love, you invest your life....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHWsKTSdS74
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